What should I put on the Fence?

Horward De Walden Estates update
Newly published information reveals that the Howard De Walden family are the 12th richest in Britain, worth in the region of £2 billion (over three thousand million US Dollars). The Estate contacted me in the first few weeks of this affair, and was positive about this site, made the usual negative comments about cycles locked to railings, but most interestingly told me that Howard De Walden Estates did not put up the sign.

The fence is the responsibility of the owner of the 999-year lease on the building. The building is opposite McGlashan properites. There's the newly appeared, if slightly bizarre, McGlashan Interiors in the ground floor retail part of the building. McGlashans do laundry in the basement, and McGlashans remove things from the fence (and point out what a sad existence I must lead). However they are apparently not the landlady who I am 'harassing'. Don't forget that the sign begins: HOWARD DE WALDEN ESTATES LTD. Confusion reigns.

Despite the best efforts of McGlashans and this mysterious landlady I'm not going to let this fence thing become a personal vendetta against any of the parties involved. I certainly don't want to win the right to put my bike back on the fence.

I realized from the outset that whoever did it would be protected by an insurmountable amount of wealth, not to mention that insensitivity to the world around them that the English upper classes are bred for. Essentially therefore, they'd be untouchable. Fortunately every time they do something (from what McGlashans have said in interviews, to arranging for three police officers to come round as a first contact) they shoot themselves in the foot big style.

Gleeful 20-July-01
Mrs Fencemaster has been gleeful all week. It began last Wednesday, when I got home to note that the wallpaper had been stolen. Quickly recalling that the decorators were due to start that day, I put two and two together and decided that they had, I was right. They have done a remarkable job and covered up 4 years of little handprints, bigger hand prints, and numerous fruit stains, to a high standard. Thus Mrs F is, as I said, gleeful.

The tiny Fencemaster house is almost fit to live in again. The best thing to do, should you visit in the immediate future, is not look at the floor or sit on any of the furniture. Abide by these simple guidelines and all will be well, you'll get a good impression.

Kitchen 20-July-01
Poor Mrs F was foolish enough to go into the kitchen yesterday and a bit of it fell on her foot, a far from pleasant site at the best of times. She has a black and blue toe as a result. I don't have anything against Mrs F's feet (Mrs F has never been particularly keen on them herself), but if pressed, I would admit to favouring the unbruised one at the moment.

She responded by rushing to John Lewis (a department store) for treatment. They don't repair injured toes, but do sell smart new kitchens that bits rarely if ever fall off. Needless to say the Fencemaster bank balance is over its extended overdraft limit (the one we promised not to go over) and there's no way we can see of pushing it back the other way. I don't make any money Fencemastering, which is a shame, as it's quite entertaining.

Fortunately Mrs F is good with money, and even watches Alvin Hall. However, she interprets his message of thrift loosely, by never letting a complete inability to pay for something get in the way of buying it. I don't think that's what Alvin is about, I need more information though.

True to form, a quick negotiation with the John Lewis charge card department resulted in a kitchen-sized extension to that particular credit limit, it's one of many. Mrs F says this approach (owing a fortune) makes us valuable to society. I nod and agree, while drifting away to dream of a world where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's as it seems.

Reginald Perrin 19-July-01
How disappointing that the first contact (apart from my meeting with beardy) I have with whoever put the sign up is via the constabulary. I knew from day one though that there was no chance of the landed gentry involved stepping down (removing the sign) and never expected any such thing. Howard De Walden Estates sent a courteous e-mail in the first few weeks of this site's life explaining the Estate's position. McGlashans wouldn't have even had to do that, they could have just crossed the road, but no, it takes three police officers to do it for them. Duh!

How did the police find me? The girls downstairs, in the reception area, were under strict instructions from day one to greet any requests by phone or in person for the Fencemaster with a blank look (I was quite specific about that) and follow it up with the usual 'denial of all knowledge' routine. Hence when the police officers asked for the Fencemaster, her evasive move was to say 'I'll just get him for you', and proceed to buzz me.

I was expecting them though, as I'd already seen them that morning in the McGlashans office (those who aren't responsible for anything, certainly not being the landlord) as I cycled past. Perhaps they'd just popped in for a cup of tea. I forgave our receptionist instantly, of course (NO, not just on a 'looks alone' basis) as she had showed them into the boadroom, which was a smart move because there are biscuits there. Everyone likes biscuits.

Your Fencemaster is still pondering on his next move, and still looking for the keys to remove the incumbent items on the fence. Look at all these keys on my desk though, so many keys, so little time...

Oh yes, a few dissenting voices on the Suggestions page this morning. There really has been only a tiny fraction of a per cent of such messages, all of which have either missed the point totally or failed to see the joke at all. I have had so many friendly and supportive messages too, some very friendly (you know who you are) so thanks.

I've still only removed three (maybe four) messages. Two were blatantly offensive in some way, but the worse one was correcting my spelling mistakes, in a cheeky way (I still haven't got over it). Go on; kick a man while he's down why don't you. I didn't get where I am today by knowing how to spell etc…

N.B.
McGlashans have got it together to pay their web hosting company (their site has been down for a month with a 'please pay your bill' message up). Check them out and see what £2500 per week gets you in this fine city. I highly recommend that you rent a flat from them. Don't bring your bicycle though.

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